New York's foster kids get lost in the shuffle and stay in foster care longer than necessary, says a new report. Credit: bhollar, Flickr
Children in New York state stay in foster care longer than necessary, according to a report published Nov. 10 by the advocacy group Children's Rights.
Advocates examined the records of 153 children in foster care and discovered that many children languish in foster homes for years because of a backlogged court system, inadequate casework and a bureaucracy that generally reduces kids to numbers, then files them and forgets them.
Looking for someone to fill a babysitting job? As a parent, hiring a reliable and knowledgeable babysitter can be a daunting proposition. Who can you trust to care for your child the way you would? Here are some tips for filling your babysitter position with the very best.
Interviewing - Knowing what questions to ask can help you choose the right babysitter.
References - Asking a potential babysitter to supply references is only the beginning. Knowing the right questions to ask those references is also important.
Verify the information your potential babysitter has supplied. When calling references, ask for confirmation of the dates of employment, educational background, etc. If any discrepancies arise, this should raise a red flag regarding the candidate's truthfulness.
Ask questions that will reveal the candidate's ability to handle a crisis. Asking about a specific or hypothetical situation will help you gain insight into the candidate's decision-making abilities.
If a reference is hesitant to talk or give vague answers, beware. This may indicate a problem.
Ask questions about the candidate's reliability. Was she often late?
If possible, talk to the children your candidate has cared for in the past. Do they seem excited when talking about their babysitter?
Once you've hired a new babysitter, it is a good idea to have a test run first. Ask your new babysitter spend some time in your home while you are there. Not only will it make your kids feel more comfortable, it will help you feel better.
Authoritative parents who treat their children like mature adults. These parents give their kids choices and believe in letting them see the results of their decisions as a positive learning tool. Kids of authoritative parents tend to have high self esteem because they feel more in control.
Authoritarian parents are strict and generally want to control every aspect of their kids' lives. These parents focus on punishing bad behavior rather than encouraging good behavior, which can cause children to have low self-esteem and lack independence.
Permissive parents are the complete opposite of the authoritarian parents. They refuse to set behavioral boundaries and allow their children to do whatever they want. These parents strive to be friends with their children and fear that their kids will rebel if the parents inflict rules. Children of permissive parents can be impulsive and aggressive. As they age, they are more likely to experiment with drugs and alcohol. They also have a low self esteem.
Permissive parenting, also called indulgent, lenient or non-directive parenting, is a parenting style in which parents have few controls over or demands on their children.
In these families, parents are very involved in their children's lives, but have few behavioral expectations for their kids. These parents are more concerned with being their children's friends and fear their kids may rebel against them if they are too hard on them. Permissive parents are usually the children of strict parents.
As children with permissive parents age, they are likely to be impulsive and underachieving. As teenagers, they also experiment with drugs and alcohol more frequently because they know they will not be punished if they get caught. Additionally, these children may have unrealistic self-esteems, blaming others for their mistakes.
However, children with permissive parents often learn good social skills.
My six-year-old son lies to me on a daily basis. He hides food in his room and lies about it, among other things. Conversely, he never lies to his father, my husband, who's a workaholic. What can I do to change my son's behavior? It's getting out of hand.
Stay-at-home moms tend to be young, foreign and Hispanic. Credit: thenagainphoto, Flickr
Battle-weary professional women everywhere have discovered they can't have it all and are quitting the rat race to stay home with their rug rats.
It's called "the opting-out revolution." It's so much of a trend that it not only has its own name -- thanks to The New York Times columnist Lisa Belkin -- but several books have been written about it. So it has to be real, right?
Not if you ask the U.S. Census Bureau.
Spurred partially by curiosity over the opting-out phenomenon, bureau officials analyzed America's estimated 5.6 million at-home mothers. Their report issued Oct. 1 hardly portrays a house-broken Wonder Woman who has traded danger for diapers. Nor does it reflect June Cleaver, the quintessential housewife and mother of the 1950s from "Leave it to Beaver."
According to the report, at-home mothers these days are more likely to be younger women who are Hispanic or foreign born. They also make less money than the upper-middle class Cleavers.
Getting a good baby sitter can be tough, but would you pay more for a nanny who was certified by the New York State Board of Education?
Doug Kozinn, one of the owners of the Absolute Best Care nanny agency is betting that you will, according to The Wall Street Journal. The agency is launching a 50-hour, $4,000 course in so-called "nanny management."
The course, which starts this month and already has eight students, is divided into two parts: nanny-management theory and hands-on care.
Census stats also reveal that stay-at-home mothers tend to be less educated, younger and have lower total family incomes.
The Washington Post posits that, based on this new data, the "opt-out" generation of working moms may just be a myth. The term was coined by The New York Times writer Lisa Belkin to describe the choices made by a high-achieving group of educated women who chose to leave the work force after they had kids, according to the story.
A Michigan woman allows three neighbor kids stay with her and wait for the school bus while their parents head off for work.
That's apparently being more neighborly than the law allows.
Lisa Snyder of Middleville, Mich., (a town of 2,700 people and about 34 minutes south of Grand Rapids) has become something of an outlaw.
She received a letter from the Michigan Department of Human Services Sept. 11 telling her she is running an illegal day care operation and faces possible fines and jail time if she doesn't cease and desist.
Michigan state Rep. Brian Calley, R, told MSNBC the whole thing is ridiculous. He wants to change state law so parents can help each other without ending up on the wrong side of the law. It may take a village to raise a child, "but I guess in Michigan we're saying it takes a licensed village," he told MSNBC.
Charles Sutton, 42, of the Chicago suburb of Maywood, faces charges of felony dogfighting. The day care operated by his wife was shut down. She was not arrested.
In a statement to the press, Cook County Sheriff Tom Dart said his deputies found a dog with its eye ripped out, another with a leg twisted backward and a third with its lower extremities nearly ripped from its body when they raided the house involved in the ring Tuesday.
"Kids were playing on a swing set just 10 feet away from a vicious fighting dog and blood-stained floors," the sheriff said in his statement. "The very equipment used to train these dogs was being kept in the garage right behind the house."
Deputies also raided three other houses in the area, and Dart said they came back with equally horrifying stories. However, to operate a dogfighting operation in the same home as a day care struck the sheriff as particularly vile.
"To be engaged in this sort of activity is disturbing enough, but to take a chance with anyone's children is reprehensible," he said.
Sutton's wife told authorities she was not involved in the dog fighting operation and kept children away from the dogs and the equipment used to train them.
When deputies arrived at the Suttons' home, there were 10 children on the premises as well as an exceptionally aggressive pit bull in the garage, Dart said. In addition to blood on the floor, they also allegedly found syringes, drugs, bite sticks and harnesses used in dogfighting.
Deputies said many of the dogs used in the operation were kept in a nearby house, allegedly operated by Martez Anderson. The 38-year-old ex-convict allegedly charged $60 per month for dogs to be kept at his home, Dart said. He was cited during Tuesday's raid for being a felon in possession of an unspayed or unneutered dog.
Earlier this year, Dart advocated a new law which requires cross-reporting between the Illinois Department of Children and Family services and any animal investigators.
The dogs rescued during Tuesday's raid are now with the Animal Welfare League in Chicago Ridge.
"What was done to these dogs is inexcusable," Dart said in his prepared remarks. "This was done in the name of gambling and greed. and no area seems immune from its influence. We see it in rural farm areas and inner cities.
"Unfortunately, we're also seeing more and more children exposed to this kind of lifestyle."
Columnist Lenore Skenazy wrote about allowing her son Izzy to travel on the New York City Subway by himself at the age of 9, and got labeled "America's worst mom." She started the Free-Range Kids movement to silence her objectors. Credit: Joe Kolman
If "Free-Range Kids" author Lenore Skenazy endangers children -- and some people claim she does -- so does "Sesame Street."
When the first season of that venerable children's show came out on DVD in 2006, it came with a disclaimer that "early 'Sesame Street' episodes are meant for grown-ups and may not meet the needs of today's preschool child."
Why not? Because what used to be considered wholesome fun is now seen as ridiculously reckless. The DVD shows children scampering through large pipes, balancing on planks between picnic tables and generally cavorting through New York City streets.
You'll put an eye out, kid.
The world is just a much more brutal, dangerous place than it was when "Sesame Street" debuted in 1969 -- or so we think.
"The world has changed, but not for the worse," said Skenazy. "It's only our new fear of even very tiny risks that make 'Sesame Street' look like negligence on parade."
She is a champion of what might be called children's liberation -- giving kids longer leashes and, ultimately, less fear-driven lives. In an often fearful society, however, such ideas are sometimes regarded as heresy.
Skenazy found that out when she wrote a column in The New York Sun in 2008 about how she let her 9-year-old son ride the New York City subway system by himself. Within two days, she found herself on NBC's "Today" show, MSNBC and Fox News -- fending off the label of "America's worst mom."
No Seat Belts/Car Seats *Rode in the very back of my mother's wood-paneled station wagon, without seat belts, on cross-country car trips. We would put our sleeping bags back there and play cards and wave at the other cars.
*When we were only 5 or 6 years old, we would climb up against the back glass of my dad's car and he would slam on breaks so we could fall into the seat. We thought that was the most fun thing to do!
*My dad had a jeep. It had no backseats. So, for my sister and myself, he used bungee cords to strap lawn chairs into the back so we could ride in it. I couldn't have been more than 4 or 5 years old.
No Seat Belts/Car Seats *Rode in the very back of my mother's wood-paneled station wagon, without seat belts, on cross-country car trips. We would put our sleeping bags back there and play cards and wave at the other cars.
*When we were only 5 or 6 years old, we would climb up against the back glass of my dad's car and he would slam on breaks so we could fall into the seat. We thought that was the most fun thing to do!
*My dad had a jeep. It had no backseats. So, for my sister and myself, he used bungee cords to strap lawn chairs into the back so we could ride in it. I couldn't have been more than 4 or 5 years old.
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No Bike Helmets/Protective Gear *There were no bike helmets in our neighborhood and yes, I fell off my bike, onto my face, while playing Indy Racer. Then my sister ran over the back of my neck. How I made it out of childhood in one piece, I'll never know!
*I remember standing on the banana seat on my bike and going down a hill without any protective gear on.
*I rode on the back my dad's motorcycle without a helmet.
*I have tons of pictures of me and my brother riding horses with no saddle, bridles or helmets!
*We skateboarded down the hill to my house, without looking if anything was coming -- into traffic! With shorts on and no shoes! And of course no protective gear.
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No Child-Proofing *We never had any of those little plastic covers for the electrical outlets. When I was a toddler, I tried several times to get my little fingers in there! Luckily, my mom caught me every time.
*Window blind cords were hanging free in my house -- there were no precautions taken with regard to strangle dangers.
*There are pictures of me in a walker at about a year old or so and in the background are the stairs to the basement...no safety gate.
*Mom cooked with the handles of pots sticking out -- a big no-no today -- and I pulled a pot of boiling water onto myself!
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Unsupervised... *I was 7 when I started taking my 3 and 4-year-old sisters out in the woods with me for hours at a time. We would explore for hours, even made it to the top of the mountain (a 20 minute drive from our house).
*My brother and I used to run/bike around our neighborhood until all hours of the night in the warm weather. My mother gave us a time to be home and that was it...no supervision, no nothing. Wouldn't even be an option today!
*My siblings and I would explore in the woods and chase snakes with no adult supervision! My father actually taught us how to catch a snake!
*My parents left me home alone with no supervision when I was a young teen, when they went on vacation for a week to Las Vegas.
*I grew up in the New York area and was allowing to go to concerts at big venues like Madison Square Garden alone as a young teen; no supervision whatsoever.
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Access to Weapons *Dad was a gun collector and liked to make his own bullets. He never locked his guns up, in fact I slept many nights in that room -- it was the third bedroom in our house -- so when we had company over, they got my room and I slept in the "gun room," which had a smaller bed in it. I helped my dad make bullets (yes, he was always there), and I got my first gun when I was 8 years old.
*We were taught how to use a bow and arrow in the backyard! Not only dangerous for us to have access to...but also dangerous for our neighbors if we missed the target.
*Mom kept her taser gun in the living room in the china cabinet -- "just in case."
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Riding in the Bed of a Pick-up Truck *My dad used to drive a big pick-up truck on the weekends. Some Saturday afternoons, my friends and I would pile in the back and he'd drive us to the local 7-11 for a Slurpee. The truck had a rollbar, so we'd stand in the back and hold on as though we were "surfing." In retrospect it seems crazy, but everyone drove around with kids in the back of trucks then.
*When I was 5 and my brother was 11, my dad used to let us sit on the tailgate of his truck as long as we were staying in our community. We thought it was a ride like at Six Flags or something. We'd be screaming and laughing; he'd find as many hills and pot holes as he could to make it more fun for us.
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Babies Asleep on Bellies/No Crib *Putting babies to sleep on their stomach (with blankets, before they could pull them off) -- this practice is totally taboo these days due to SIDS and the fact that it's a strangling hazard!
*My mom put all 3 of us to sleep on our bellies. She says it seems to unnatural to put a baby to sleep on it's back, but back then there was no "back to sleep." We were allowed to sleep with blankets and teddy bears and even crib bumpers.
*I remember we were really poor and my youngest sister slept in the open drawer of a dresser for a few months when she was a baby.
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No Sunscreen *No sunblock. I had second and third degree burns on my face, chest and arms when I was 12 years old. My mom let me go swimming from the time I woke up until I went to bed.
*Every year we would visit my grandparents in Florida, and every time my poor brother (who was fair and burned easily) would be covered in Noxema and vinegar to soothe his sunburn after a long day outdoors. There wasn't a lot of attention paid to SPF numbers; sun damage was more reactive than proactive back then!
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Exposure to Smoking *My parents let my sister and I travel in the smoking section of the plane all the time.
*Both of my parents would smoke in the house, where my brother and I could freely inhale their second-hand smoke.
*Many of our mothers smoked while pregnant; my mom's doctor told her she could have seven cigarettes a day when she was pregnant with my now 35-year-old sister in the 70's.
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Swimming/Tubing Unsupervised *Every summer, my parents would drop me and my siblings off at the community pool in the morning and leave us there all day with no supervision. They would just come pick us up late in the afternoon.
*We went swimming by ourselves with a "don't talk to strangers" instruction at age 9.
*We rode inner tubes at least 6 miles from the house down a not-so-calm creek without life jackets. And we had to walk back barefoot in bikini bathing suits -- all before our teen years.
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Skenazy's book debunks a number of paranoid myths, the biggest being that society is more dangerous than it was when today's parents were children. The crime rate today is actually lower than it was in the '70s and '80s, the author discovered. And even officials at the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children say the threat of "stranger danger" is overblown.
In fact, they say, children should be taught to talk to strangers -- to an extent. Children may need help if they're really in danger and should know how to turn to other people for help.
"It's like we think the neighbors are psychotic pedophiles," Skenazy said. "But there's a network of humanity out there we're sealing our kids off from."
Paranoia runs rampant, she said. Some PTAs now auction off the best drop-off points in front of schools -- spots normally reserved for children with disabilities. "In other words, we'll pay for the privilege of treating our kids like invalids," Skenazy said.
Another story that made the author stop in her tracks was one about a toy recall. One child, she said, who was too young to be playing with the toy anyway, almost choked on a piece of it; hence, the recall. She bristled as she recalled an article in a parenting magazine that suggested moms carry some extra shoelaces when they take their toddlers to other people's homes -- to tie shut the other family's cabinets.
"It's like we're supposed to be baby-proofing the world, when what really keeps kids safe is 'world-proofing' them -- teaching them, for example, what not to touch," she said.
Skenazy admits she's not perfect with her two sons. She can get a little nervous herself. "I'm the arm-waving type," she admitted.
Still, Skenazy said, it's important to remember that while terrible things could happen, it's best to prepare kids for what is likely to happen. "Teach them how to cross the street," she said. What's important, she added, is affording children the dignity of risk.
While some parents find Skenazy's ideas horrifying, others find validation. With the positive reaction to her ideas, "Free-Range Kids" has become more than the title of a book. "It's like what happened in the '60s and '70s with feminism," she said. "Once you have a name, you can have a movement."
Overprotecting children doesn't really keep them safe anyway, Skenazy said. "It keeps them from growing up." College administrators even have a new name for the coddled kids coming to school: Tea cups. Beautiful, beloved children who break all too easily.
The Free-Range founder suggests people think back to their own childhoods.
"You don't remember the timesyour dad held your handle bars," she said. "You remember the day he let go."
Two-year old twin brothers Muhammed Armaan and Muhammed Rayhan Sayed color at the Johannesburg Baby Poll. Credit: Pablo Thekiso, AFP / Getty Images
You and your mate feeling a little frisky? Get a room.
For the kids, that is.
Parents in South Africa can do just that. Finding a sitter willing to stay overnight is difficult. But for roughly the equivalent of $68 per night, the Baby Hotel in the upscale Johannesburg suburb of Morningside takes in children up to age 3 and is open 24 hours a day, seven days a week.
Amenities include a dinner, bath and even a little potty training for children. Each child's name is taped to his or her bed to avoid confusion.
Zwennis opened the hotel five years ago in response to her own frustration as a single mother of three. There is definitely a need for a place that parents can use on occasion, not necessarily on a full-time basis, she told the news agency.
The Baby Hotel isn't just for parents who want uninterrupted romance. South African single mother Sherrie Galjaard told Agence French-Presse that the Baby Hotel enables her to do such simple tasks as shopping without worrying about her 8-month-old daughter.
"Saturday morning, I wanted to go to Pick and Pay to do my monthly shopping," she said. "To take a little baby ... to Pick and Pay on Saturday morning is not a good idea. That's why I dropped her at the Baby Hotel. I needed a haircut. I couldn't take her there, either."
Tasleem Sayed found the Baby Hotel invaluable when trying to juggle moving and 21-month-old twins.
"I dropped them off the whole day and picked them up in the evening. It's so convenient," she told the news agency.
A second Baby Hotel is opening this year in Port Elizabeth in the southeast of the country.
The idea behind the Baby Hotel is the next step in hotel child care. The European Web site KinderHotels offers a network of family-friendly hotels where new parents can find amenities including baby baths and bottle warmers. However, the parents generally stay with the children.
Should the government pay those on welfare to stay home and care for their kids?
That's the question Los Angeles officials are asking as the number of unemployed rises and California deals with a budget crises that threatens to land the state in bankruptcy. Governor Schwarzenegger wants to eliminate Cal Works, the state's welfare to work program. LA County Supervisors prefer to make deep cuts and save the program. Their goal: Target the most expensive people.
Currently, California "Welfare to Work" recipients are required to find a job or participate in government funded training or school. While fulfilling the program requirements, the government also covers childcare costs of about $500 per child per month.
The only exception to the work and training requirement are welfare recipients with a child under the age of one. One of the easiest ways to save money is to expand the exemption to include those with a baby under two years of age and those with two or more children under age six. In other words, pay more people to stay home with their kids.
Seems like a good idea -- but how do other parents feel?
Only a couple of generations ago, the popular perception of the role of the father usually found him kicking back in the living room, reading the paper and occasionally doling out some pearl of fatherly wisdom while Mom tended to the little folk. Dad may have handled some rudimentary tucking-in, but rarely was he more involved in that, his frequent catchphrase being "go ask your mother." My own father-in-law claims to have never changed a single diaper in his life, and he had six kids!
Brad Pitt
Actor Brad Pitt, who has six children with actress Angelina Jolie, visits the playground with three of their kids -- daughter Zahara, and sons Pax and Maddox. Not pictured are daughter Shiloh and twins Vivienne and Knox.
James Devaney, WireImage
Tom Cruise
Actor Tom Cruise walks the streets of Manhattan with his daughter, Suri Cruise; mom is actress Katie Holmes. Tom also has two other children -- daughter Isabella and son Connor -- from his previous marriage to actress Nicole Kidman.
James Devaney, WireImage
Chris Martin
Coldplay front man Chris Martin taking a walk with daughter, Apple. Martin has two children with his wife, actress Gwyneth Paltrow – daughter Apple and son Moses.
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Matthew McConaughey
Matthew McConaughey sits in the sand with son Levi on the beach in Malibu. Levi is McConaughey's first child with model/handbag designer girlfriend Camila Alves.
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Tom Brady
The New England Patriots' star quarterback, Tom Brady, visits with his son, John Edward Thomas Moynahan. Mom is Brady's former girlfriend, actress Bridget Moynahan. Brady married Brazilian supermodel Gisele Bündchen in February 2009 in Los Angeles.
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Ben Affleck
Actor/director Ben Affleck picks up his oldest daughter, Violet, from school. Ben and his wife, actress Jennifer Garner, have two daughters – Violet Ann Affleck and Seraphina Rose Elizabeth Affleck.
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Matt Damon
Actor Matt Damon gives his daughter, Isabella, a lift at LAX Airport. Damon and his wife, Luciana Barroso, have two daughters together -- Isabella and Gia. Luciana also has a daughter, Alexia, from a previous marriage.
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President Barack Obama
Despite his insanely busy and important schedule, President Barack Obama makes it a point to spend as much time as he can with daughters Malia, 10, and Sasha, 7.
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Will Smith
Will Smith and two of his children with actress wife Jada Pinkett Smith -- daughter Willow and son Jaden -- enjoy a night out in New York City. Smith also has a third child, son Trey , from his previous marriage to Sheree Zampino.
Eric Charbonneau, Le Studio/Wireimage
Seal
Sexy crooner Seal, seen here playing in the park with one of his sons, has three children with supermodel wife Heidi Klum -- daughter Leni, son Henry and son Johan. The couple recently announced that baby #4 is on the way!
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Times have changed, of course. Today's parents are expected to be hands-on caregivers, both actively involved with virtually every aspect of child-rearing. But even in this more enlightened age, certain parents find it hard to get the balance right. In much the same manner that men wince when handing over the remote control to their wives, some mothers fear the worst when entrusting the care of the children to dear ol' Dad. While it can be a perfectly natural inclination to hover, scrutinize and even interfere with your spouse's parenting, it's a habit that can often lead to friction. This phenomena even has a name: It's called "gatekeeping," and according to a recent article in the Wall Street Journal, modern science has started to look into its roots, practices and pitfalls, and how to avoid them.
While mothers are usually more likely to do the gatekeeping, the fault shouldn't fall squarely on them. Hesitant fathers can often act as gatekeeping-enablers. "When my son was born," says Joel Roberts, 46, "I was too nervous and inexperienced to care for him the first few weeks without my wife around to help me out. But that was entirely about my own lack of confidence as a first-time parent. My wife was completely understanding and her support helped me become a better parent." Fellow father John Donohue, 40, takes it a step further. "We're pretty much equal parents," he says, "but if anything, I sometimes wish there was a gatekeeper. We both share responsibilities around the house as equally as possible, which can result in no one taking charge. "
On the other side of the fence, gatekeeping can often seem absolutely mandatory. "Yes, I do feel the need to supervise my husband," says mother Robin Locke, 42."2 weeks ago I left the house for 10 minutes, he went to change [the baby] and she rolled off the changing table and broke her hip. She's in a full body cast for 6 weeks. The week before, he put her on the couch to roll out a blanket and she rolled off of there as well."
To better re-align the roles, fathers are advised to brush up on the basic skills and seek the counsel of fellow dads. Moreover, parents are advised to police themselves. The key to avoid gatekeeping is realizing that the welfare of the children is a duty to be shared.
Have you experienced gatekeeping first hand? How have you and your spouse dealt with trying to share the parenting load?
Some mothers say they could never trust a male babysitter. Image: sxc.hu
Is gender a factor when you choose a child-care provider? That's the question on the mind of "Boston Globe Magazine" writer Lylah M. Alphonse, who asks exactly how we can expect our husbands to be hands-on dads if we don't trust men with our children.
Alphonse has a point, but babysitting, day care centers and nursery schools are traditionally dominated by women. This "social norm" has become the dominant paradigm for childcare in the United States, says Joe Keeley, founder of College Nannies & Tutors, and a former "manny" himself.
"Many parents never had a male babysitter or nanny as children, so therefore do not think of males when it comes time to find a caregiver for their own children," says Keeley. "However, College Nannies & Tutors has seen an increase in families not only being open to a male, but specifically requesting them."
I asked a few women I know whether or not they'd be open to having a male nanny or babysitter, and the responses were divided right down the middle. Roughly half the moms I polled said they would be more than open to the idea.
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